he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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