My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize