The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Dignity is for republicans.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
