you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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