You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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