Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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