loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
