I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
