She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
