Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
