Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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