the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
