I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize