he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I wish there were birth control emojis
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
