the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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