people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
