If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
