:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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