I heard we made out
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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