my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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