He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize