Nicole vs. Life
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
