I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
