If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
