i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
