Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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