Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have tasted many bathrooms
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
