hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
