You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Randomize
