Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
