So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize