i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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