when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
