If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
