; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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