I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
