...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
