3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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