no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
