im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
