I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
