and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize