Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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