Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
