Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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