He is such a slut. More and more my type.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
