I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
