I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Shame is for Republicans.
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