I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
