6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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