u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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