Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
