So drunk its hurt
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize