Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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