Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
