What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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