I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
