im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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