I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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