I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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