If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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