I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
