Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
