hotel room ftw
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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