12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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