she woke up with a sticky ear
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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