It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
