If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
