i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
porn star boner night. come get it.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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