P.S. I can't hear my feet
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
