Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize